It is in the final moments that anything can happen whether it be the last stretch, last inning, last few pages of a book, or last scenes of a movie. I am filled with mixed emotions when I think about the next few weeks, which are also the last few weeks before graduation. It is remarkable how much can happen or change in the last few moments. These are the moments that put us on the edge of our seats. These are the moments I live for.
I believe it is in these moments that miracles happen because people act instead of think. In moments of fear impossible can become possible, struggle can become success, victims can become heroes, and those who are suffering can become the survivors. These are the moments that we as humans are vulnerable. Some people may question my word choice in saying that these actions are anything but vulnerable actions. These actions should be called courageous, miraculous, or superhuman, but no, these actions are a result of vulnerability. The last few moments, in which someone demonstrates a heroic and selfless act, does not mean they were not scared or susceptible to harm. Rather, these last few moments reveal an individual who chose to accept feelings of vulnerability and fear but acted anyway.
In moments that we can let go of who we think we are supposed to be and instead, just be; unbelievable things can happen. Brene Brown, a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work has spent the past ten years studying vulnerability, courage, worthiness, and shame. I have not had the opportunity to meet Brene Brown but I feel like I know this woman. I have watched her two TED talks on vulnerability and shame countless times and I visit her blog multiple times a day. I believe Browns work relates to all six dimensions of Live Well at Lafayette: Spiritual, Social, Occupational, Physical, Intellectual, and Emotional.
In her TED talk, “Listening to shame” Brene Brown openly shares two profound things she learned in the last year. Brown states that the first thing she learned is that “vulnerability is not weakness. [She] defines vulnerability as emotional risk, exposure, and uncertainty. I’ve come to believe that vulnerability is our most accurate measurement of courage — to be vulnerable, to let ourselves be seen, to be honest.” The second thing she learned is that, “we have to talk about shame. If you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence and judgment. If you put the same amount of shame in a Petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can’t survive. The two most powerful words when we’re in struggle: me too.”
This past year has not quite turned out as I had expected or imagined. It has been a challenge for me to write about my experiences and to consider myself as a worthy Live Well participant. I questioned whether or not I had personally experienced a life of balance, meaning, and purpose to be able to share with other people. The most difficult part of this process was realizing and accepting that I could easily write about any other year of my life other than this past year, which was a personal struggle. This past year I have experienced moments at which I thought were personal lows. At times I wished I could start this year over, rewind, cut out, and paste what I had originally imagined for this year. I questioned all six of the Live Well dimensions in addition to my own happiness and unknown future. How could this past year possibly provide an opportunity to share with other people? How could I possibly help people when I felt like I was the one in need of guidance? I am not sure but inside what felt like my last dwindling flame was still lit and this small flame had potential. I decided to make use of this flame and chose to write.
This past year I became self-conscious like never before, I began to hide in my pain. I transferred to this school feeling like I knew who I was but I have come to realize that it is in times of struggle that the opportunity to explore your inner self exists.
I am going to share my experiences, struggles, and triumphs with the six dimensions of Live Well. I admit that I am filled with fear and nervousness about my uncertain future but at the same time I am filled with hope and excitement. I finally realized that I could feel all these things at the same time. I realized that I could help someone, while I also ask for help. I realize that sharing my struggle is the challenge and the last moments that I so thrive for. The struggle is the journey and the opportunity.
The struggle and relentless will that enables people to still believe and say yes to life under the most tragic and harsh conditions exemplifies the raw courage and strength of humanity. The inspirational book by Viktor E. Frankl, “Man’s Search For Meaning” discusses his personal experiences, as well as the stories of others who survived the life in Nazi death camps. Frankl argues that the search for meaning is not simply based on pleasure seeking but rather the journey and pursuit varies for each individual in terms of what they find meaningful.
“There are situations in which one is cut off from the opportunity to do one’s work or to enjoy one’s life; but what never can be ruled out is the unavoidability of suffering. In accepting this challenge to suffer bravely, life has a meaning up the last moment, and it retains this meaning literally to the end. In other words, life’s meaning is an unconditional one, for even it includes the potential meaning of unavoidable suffering” (Frankl, 114).
This quote embodies my own physical, emotional, and intellectual dimensions of Live Well. Frankl’s refusal to give up on life and his persistent optimism in times of deep struggle is incomparable to anything I have ever experienced. When Frankl is being stripped of his identity and having to surrender all of his personal belongings he describes being left with only his naked and hairless body. Auschwitz was the only concentration camp that prisoners received tattoos. Ironically to be assigned a serial number either as a tattoo or sewn onto prison uniforms meant a loss of individual name, but it also meant survival for the time being. Prisoners who were not given a number were sent directly to gas chambers. To experience the loss of individual identity and still be able to maintain hope and believe that meaning exists under all circumstances proves what humans are capable of when they choose to live.
This year I struggled with my own identity issues but after reading “Man’s Search For Meaning” I began to realize that although I was no longer playing softball, I am still and always will be a softball player. I realized that although I have been dealing with my physical injury and may have to deal with it for years to come that I have accepted this challenge and struggle. I initially blamed this injury for my personal feelings of isolation and for taking away the sport I love and had dedicated so much of my life to. This injury has been a frustrating awakening but it has enabled me to look inside myself and find gratitude in present moments. Frankl describes the most important meaning in life to be: “even the helpless victim of a hopeless situation, facing a fate he cannot change, may rise above himself, may grow beyond himself, and by doing so change himself” (Frankl, 146). The labels that contribute to shaping individual identity are can also become symbolic masks of who we think we are supposed to be.
The spiritual dimension has been especially powerful for me this past year. At the beginning of the school year, I was still a member of the softball team but I was not able to compete due to an injury that had happened the previous year. My injury was not a quick fix and the uncertainty and fear of not playing my senior season quickly settled in. In a failed attempt to try and numb these feelings I began to become my injury. I realize that the attention and stress I put into thinking and worrying about my injury only made it worse. I realized that I was not living in the present moment. I was not accepting the past and a part of me was still hopeful that I would be able to compete in the future. What I did not realize at this time was life was happening but my thoughts consumed each present moment.
In moments of confusion, loneliness, uncertainty, and fear, community service can be the most uplifting experience. Participating in community service has helped me put aside my life situation and allowed me to give back, help others, and make a difference. This year I have helped trim trees in Easton, volunteered at local animal shelters and the Easton Home, which is a senior living community. Additionally, I helped make improvements on the Westward Community Garden through qualitative research and in depth interviews. All of these service activities have personally made me feel inspired and motivated to always volunteer. I want to make a goal for myself to commit to life long community service because engagement with the community and others brings meaning to our own lives.
I truly believe that it is better to choose a career which is consistent with our personal values and interests than to select one that is unrewarding. I currently do not have a job but I do have passions and goals. I am currently applying to several positions for Prevention Program Leaders, primarily at Drug and Alcohol treatment centers. Eventually, I plan on attending grad school to get my masters in counseling or social work.
For a long time, career searching left me confused about what direction I wanted to go in. How would I know if or when I found something I thought I wanted to do. These questionable feelings of doubt and uncertainty sometimes prevented me from filling out applications. However, having a job that is not particularly enjoyable would not be the worst situation as it can bring you one step closer to discovering your passion.
I realized I was interested in prevention and counseling when I was interviewing for a Prevention Program Leader position a few weeks ago. I could not stop talking about this opportunity nor could I stop myself from spending time researching jobs all over the country that were related to my interests. When I think about my career, I want to wake up each day and be able to help someone. I want a career that will be different, challenging, and frustrating. I want a career that encourages some struggle because I believe the outcome of struggle provides opportunity for success. When I think about having a career in prevention and or counseling, money does not enter my mind. I am definitely in need of money but I believe that money is not something to chase after. If I am able to have a fulfilling career then the money will come. I may encounter financial obstacles in the beginning of my journey but if I am passionate and pro active then I believe the money will eventually follow.
It is in times of loss, confusion, and struggle that these masks come off and people begin to realize the power of inclusion and the beauty of difference. We have history and personal experiences from people who have survived under seemingly impossible conditions and ended up finding more meaning in their lives then ever before. We have the resources and we have the choice. We can take it upon ourselves to Live Well through awareness and compassion. We can take it upon ourselves to admit to our mistakes but to realize that we are not mistakes. We can take it upon ourselves to say we are sorry and we can fix it. We can take it upon ourselves to Live Well.