If they are prescription, they can’t hurt, can they?

While my story is far from complete I am in the process of pursuing a long journey on a road to recovery.  For the majority of my junior and senior year of college my life was fully consumed by addiction, the getting, the using, and finding ways and means to get more drugs. Though I had seen many people become addicted to painkillers rather quickly, I believed I was different or unique and believed I could control my use of prescription painkillers. Until I couldn’t. I started using recreationally but before I knew it I was completely powerless, and had lost control of my life. Though my mind told me family, school, and friends were among my top priorities, my only priority was pills.

As a division I athlete, I always believed I was a strong, dedicated, clear-headed kid with my priorities in order. I held on to an illusion that I was mentally tough enough to use pills safely and quit if necessary. While this was true when I was actively using, this was not reality, it was simply rationalization or justification for my addiction.

At one point this past summer in 2011, I began to realize that using pills was no longer a choice, it was no longer a matter of IF, it was a matter of how and when.  At this point I began to identify that I had a problem. I would go two or three days at a time and relapse accordingly, like clockwork. However, in active addiction, I made new rules for myself to justify my actions. I would use every few days, and that was fine, or I would only use at night, and that was fine. As long as I was following my rules I had my use under control. After a few weeks with these new rules, I began to break them, until using pills all day everyday became normal and acceptable to myself. In active addiction, this was life, however in being sober, this was called a full-blown relapse.

Life went on in this manner for quite some time until it was apparent to my family and friends that something was drastically wrong. I was spending incredulous amounts of money and isolating myself from everyone important. At this point I decided telling my family and going to the doctor would be enough motivation to NEVER want to use pills again. After the emotional experience of telling my family and a doctor, I thought I was cured. The doctor provided me with means of easing withdrawal symptoms, and after my family got over the shock, they were very supportive. With all of these resources and support systems at my disposal, I was cured; I was no longer addicted to painkillers. It is too bad that this sense of encouragement led to feelings of entitlement and accomplishment, which led me right back to my addiction, another full blown relapse.

Life went on in this manner for about a month with all of my support systems under the impression I was clean and sober.  Though I was back to the life I believe I wanted filled with painkillers, life was awful. I was controlled by my addiction and life was miserable, simply, nothing else mattered. I was using against my will, crying numerous times on the way to pick up. It was time to turn myself in again. Instead of telling my family, my addiction decided it was more appropriate to show them. So I did. I put my family through hell again and I took out a large sum of money in my parents face to pick up pills.

After being caught and re-facing that misery, I was encouraged to attend a narcotics anonymous meeting.  At first this program was simply a way to get my parents off my back. I had no idea that this was the program that would save my life.

I learned in the program that the fellowship of NA refers to trying to quit on my own as “my will”, or “my way”. In the fellowship you are encouraged to completely abandon your old way of thinking and your old way of life. At this point, my life was so miserable, I was willing to take any suggestion thrown my way. If you told me to stand in the corner naked for an hour I would have done it. Except this time, hearing it from people who had been in my shoes before, was drastically different than hearing it from my parents or a doctor who had NO idea what I was going through.

People in the program spoke about being powerless, and no matter what measures they went to, they were still controlled by their addiction. While Narcotics Anonymous was originally a plan to get my parents off my back, it has become a way of life for me.  I originally believed I could attend these meetings, not use pills, but safely drink the way I used to, like a normal college kid. After relapsing again, I finally was at peace with the idea that I would follow whatever steps these successful members of the program presented to me.  I finally gave into the program completely, and followed all of their suggestions.  Abstain from all drugs including alcohol, attend 90 meetings in 90 days, talk to other addicts, get a sponsor, avoid people places and things you used at or with, and finally, “keep coming back, it works”.

After 60 days of following these simple suggestions, I am finally beginning to get my life back. While I wish I never picked up pills in the first place, I had to face reality and realize I was powerless over my addiction. While going to meetings you realize that all addicts are the same, and that NA is the only possible means to recovery for all addicts, simply, nothing else works.  If you can identify with any part of this story, chances are you have a problem. I encourage you to abandon your denial and seek help through the program of Narcotics Anonymous, the program that saved my life.